Posted on March 7, 2023 by Chuck Becker**
December 25, 2022
Dearest Kasgar,
To date, your queries to me have focused on the propriety of your endeavor. This is counterproductive. As you state it, guiding your Ward’s beliefs raises any number of ethical issues, but your argument ignores your duty. You may use any tactic available to combat the advances of our Foe (being those who believe climate change is real and requires action). If your Ward succumbs to teachings of the Foe, you have failed and will be removed from your role with, I might add, a significant demotion. My subsequent missives will help you identify and use the appropriate tactics to ensure your success. Please bear in mind that time is on your side – damage multiplies on a daily basis and the longer your Ward delays taking action, the more glorious your victory.
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
January 13, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
Let me first discuss a tactic that we now disfavor – challenging scientific findings. For many years, particularly with help of our Congressional Wards, we significantly slowed the progress of our Foe’s advancement of climate change legislation. I was very proud of the nonsensical but compelling argument that global warming was a farce because winters were getting colder. The snowball-in-the-Senate fiasco was particularly satisfying. Perhaps our greatest accomplishment in the scientific arena was convincing a Democratic President that “clean coal” was real! Regrettably, the preceding ten years have supplied sufficient scientific evidence to refute this position, so we must move on. Do not be disheartened – there are many available alternatives, as we will discuss.
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
February 3, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
To help you guide your Ward away from the clutches of the Foe, we have found that making the issue personal is very effective. This is the same tactic we used to resounding success in the gun campaign (“Guns don’t kill people; people kill people”) and we know it can be used here. You should emphasize to your Ward that companies do not destroy the environment, it is people who demand the products who are at fault. Explain that if he changes his ways and simply quits consuming cars, computers and corn, there will be no more problems. You will be amazed at how quickly your Ward loses interest in the environmental fight if he believes he must alter his own activities to succeed.
You might also discuss with him a favorite of the scientific community – the carbon footprint. We worked very hard to insinuate this concept into the lexicon of environmental awareness. Why? Because a footprint implies a foot and companies do not have feet, individuals do. This approach emphasizes the individual responsibility aspect of an environmental remedy and, again, no one wants to believe they are part of the problem and, more importantly, that they should be financially or personally responsible for the solution.
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
February 10, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
Hopelessness is an extremely powerful weapon in your arsenal. In essence, you must strive to convince your Ward there is really nothing that can be done to save the environment, so he should focus more on what he can affect, such as who should win “America’s Got Talent” or picking the Powerball lottery winning numbers. Our research indicates there are two rewarding approaches. First, point out, in your most understanding tone, that this is a world-wide problem. As he nods in agreement, explain that if, for example, the air pollution in China is not fixed, whatever is done elsewhere will be for naught. Then lead the discussion to the number of coal-fired electrical plants in China … and you can rest (briefly) on your laurels!
A second prong of this attack is to emphasize that the damage has been done and there is really no action that can now be taken that will be of any benefit at all. At times, you will be confronted with the response: “We have to try.” The proper response (and we have tested this on multiple focus groups) is: “At what cost? — slight pause — And who will pay?” If you drive home the actual cost of a remedy (always emphasizing that he will personally be responsible for some of that cost), you will see what we like to refer to as the “insidious enlightenment” – the recognition that he, too, will need to devote his hard earned resources to what appears to be a lost cause. Futility and despair are amazing and compelling arguments.
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
February 17, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
You may notice that a prevalent theme to the many effective denial techniques relates to finances. We have spent a great deal of time and effort showing how expensive our Foe’s solutions will be and how devastating it will be on both the economy and on your Ward’s pocketbook. Several of our initiatives have emphasized the “fact” that global economic systems will be devastated by climate change policies. Placing this fear of helping destroy humanity if he supports climate action is exactly the type of dissonance that you need to promote. Fear, in any form, is always a good persuader.
Your Ward may try to argue this risk is necessary to protect the environment. You need not disagree outright – there is no need to draw a line. Appear contemplative and suggest that given the forces at play in the world – COVID, Ukraine, inflation – waiting a year or two would just be prudent. Explain that it is really a question of fairness for those many people less financially fortunate than your Ward. Combine this with a quick discussion of, say, the high cost of an electric car and you will have planted a very productive seed. Remember always that your intent should not be to argue – that only invites your Ward to begin to question and, worse yet, to debate. No, your goal is not to have reasoned discussions but, rather, to “guide” in a way that does not encourage contemplation. That is how you will find success.
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
February 24, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
You should be aware of a recent campaign we have developed that we believe holds tremendous promise. Several years ago we noticed that some companies were vocally supporting climate change initiatives and that ESG (environmental, social and governance) investing was beginning to be popular. We conducted a poll and found that a number of our Wards were, in fact, altering their behavior based on these appeals. We cannot allow that to stand. It is simply unacceptable to have a huge tennis shoe company espouse a position on the environment. Fortunately, we anticipated this possibility. We have been quite successful in co-opting the label “woke” as a shorthand epithet, which has proven to be very effective. If you feel the discussion trending poorly, you might ask your Ward if he really wants to be part of the “woke mob” that will not be able to buy items ranging from computers to band aids. Be ready with an approving nod when he declares he is not in support of any mob. This technique is particularly helpful for getting businesses out of the climate change discussion. If you can help us with this initiative, promotion cannot be far behind for you!
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
February 29, 2023
Dearest Kasgar,
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that you will be speaking with my replacement going forward. I have been promoted to manage those who have Wards in the news industry (what we refer to as one of the “Big Three” – religion, politics and information), so this will be my last guidance. I regret we will not be able to study other fascinating techniques such as logical fallacies, cherry picking and conspiracy theories. My successor will undoubtedly help you with these.
My final lesson is that you should help your Ward understand that he has only so many hours in a day and using them to listen to those people that have similar views is only sensible. You then simply direct him to the appropriate news station, and you will find others doing your work for you! Many years ago, we found it is not necessary to be factually accurate if you are repetitive, and incorporating this concept into “news” presentations was remarkably easy.
With that, I leave you to your honorable mission. Work constantly on your oratory skills. Remember, gentle and persistent persuasion has been shown to be more effective than the blunt instrument. One of your colleagues taught us that the wind failed to blow off the man’s coat, but the sun’s gentle rays proved victorious. Be uplifted by the fact that you are part of a dedicated and well-funded cabal. If successful, your work will bring us many more souls decades earlier than necessary – what more could you desire?
With All Sincerity,
Belpher
*Inspired by C.S. Lewis’s epistolary novel, The Screwtape Letters.
** I am reluctant to list a byline as I found the letters tucked into an old version of Black’s Law Dictionary that had been misfiled in the Preternatural Law section of our local law library.